This shirt is for anyone who has accepted their destiny and is coasting toward the finish line with the same energy as a grandpa who stopped giving a single damn somewhere around 1994. “Cremation Is My Last Hope For A Smoking Hot Body” hits different when you realize the family gene pool peaked three generations ago and now everyone’s just holding on out of spite. Perfect for people who haven’t seen a salad since the Bush administration, whose Fitbit thinks they’re dead by noon, and whose doctors have started every sentence with “So, realistically…” If giving up were an Olympic sport, this tee would be the uniform. Wear it proudly. You’re not getting hotter in life, but you’ll be fire in the end.